george carlin government doesn't care about you
Sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize: the government does not give a fuck about them. There's such balance in nature. The Divine Plan. George Carlin was one of the most iconic comedians of all time and he had a lot to say about government. Doc was a connection. 30. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, youre going to have selfish, ignorant leaders. George Carlin, 73. When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Parents are full of shit, teachers are full of shit, clergymen are full of shit, and law enforcement people are fullofshit this entire country. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. Especially if it's me! If you burn the flag, youre burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. Its so fuckin heroic. George Carlin, 18. You kick him squarely in the nuts, and you get the fuck out of there as fast as you can, and you go tell somebody right away; you tell as many grown-up people as you canone of them is bound to believe you. I think that speaks for itself. We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers' attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. So self-important. 10. . Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership. They don't want to hear from you. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. They call it the National Defense University, but it's a war college. Don't blame me. His medium was stand-up, but he touched on issues of race, class, politics and American life saying the kinds of things no one else dared. Fucking is legal. No kidding. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. So, basically, what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who has had more than one period is a serial killer! Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. But dont participate; it will be your death. The challenge is to find it. George Carlin, 17. You ever watch golf on television? Some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. So maybe its not the politicians who suck; maybe its something else. And then we want a toy and a gizmo and gold and we want shiny things, and we want something to plug in that will make big big big things for us And all that shit is nothing! 48. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. I'm big on that. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. Uber is a mobile app that hails cabs for you. Sooner or later, the people in this country are . the government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or your safety. No. Weve added years to life, not life to years. George Carlin, 6. If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. Did you ever stop to think about all the people we kill? People don't believe that! And you know something? At least he's honest!" Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Goddamn there's a lot of stupid bastards walking around. Oh, my goodness. Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another, to feel better about themselves, and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem! A comedian can say things that you may not want to hear but need to. Anything differentthat's what they're gonna talk aboutrace, religion, ethnic and national background, jobs, income, education, social status, sexuality, anything they can do to keep us fighting with each other, so that they can keep going to the bank! And do people really watch this shit? I wonder why prostitution is illegal. You have owners. George Carlin, 84. You dont see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? 40. When it comes to Gods existence, Im not an atheist and Im not an agnostic. It is a coincidence. You know how I define the economic and social classes in this country? Are these people kidding? Say, pardon me? (shoots gun) Im awfully sorry. Another failed mutation, another closed-end biological mistake. I love it when it didn't take a, Now, if you think you do have rights, one last assignment for you. I'd like to repeat that, because it sounds *vaguely* important! I dont have pet peeves. Here's my problem with the Ten Commandments: why are there ten? ""I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. What did Clinton say? 45. "Pre-heated" is a meaningless fucking term! Its interested in its own power. He was regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics of all time. Did you ever notice that, how many stupid people you run into during the day? A funeral director who says "Hope to see you folks again real soon!" Forget the politicians. Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms. You don't have to lie. One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is "libertarian". Think about it: religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. Doesn't happen 'cause chickens are decent people. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. They just care about having a comfortable place. 32. But I said it with a smile. He was a "political" comic the way George Orwell was a "political" writer. At least he's honest about being, Everybody knows by now, all businessmen are completely full of shit; just the worst kind of low-life, criminal, cocksuckers you could ever wanna' run into a fuckin' piece of shit businessman. I say, "Hey, professor! They don't want to hear from you. Fairly simple thing. One of them turns the radio OFF, and the other one. It's like watching flies fuck! Youd think theyd make natural allies. People are wonderful one at a time. Say "you assholes are goin' for a ride!". Isn't that nice? George Carlin. (p. 237), Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Ephraim Zimbalist Jr. (243). And they're elected by American voters. You know why? Were gonna save the fuckin planet? And, by the way, theres nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. From a distance so I can see it all. What? It's interested in its own power, that's the only thing. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. You don't have to be a history major or a political scientist to see the bigger-dick foreign policy theory. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. According to these guys, Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Don't you love that phrase? And you know, I always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to. Am I right? That's my advice. No nothing. We made the whole fucking thing up! That's what I say. Thats our history. And if, somehow, you must join, if its unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. It's ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths! An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit. George Carlin, 21. Government is an important institution. Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. George Carlin, 4. Best George Carlin Quotes of All Time - LiveAbout Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school. George Carlin. But you ever notice there's no war on homelessness, is there? The middle class pays all of the taxis, does all of the work. What the fuck do white people have to be blue about? I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. It creates a hostile work environment." You can say what you want about this country, and I love this place. They own everything. He was regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics of all time. Life is a zero sum game. George Carlin, 36. "Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails." You don't. You have no choice. There are places that are going to go away. But he loves you. BAM! One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired. And the greatest arrogance of all: "save the planet." Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. ""The owners of this country know the truth: It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. Of course, I'm sure the reverend isn't that comfortable with anything that has two knobs on it. ", I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. In this blog post, weve compiled some of his most compelling quotes on the subject for you to consider as well! And he's gotta do it with a big. It is one that we need to function as a society. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. Everybodys going to save something now. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. Daniel Kurtzman is a political journalist turned satirist. When else are you gonna record it, afterwards? We made the whole fucking thing up! Here are 51 quotes from the late comedian that show him at his best hilarious, irascible and never satisfied with the state of society. It doesnt only represent the good things. It's all very confusing. I sit there laughing and they go to waste. The mayfly lives only one day. And now they're coming for your Social Security money. You have owners. People who have large gums and small teeth. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Everybody complains about politicians. And in 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked Carlin second on its list of the 50 Best Stand-Up Comics of All Time, just behind Richard Pryor. The House of Blues they ought to call it the House of Lame White Motherfuckers; inauthentic, low frequency, single-digit, lame, white motherfuckers especially these male movie stars who think theyre blues artists. And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Apparently, were not ready for that! George Carlin, 72. My first rule: I dont believe anything the government tells me. 46. Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. "Pre-suck my genital situation!" In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol! This ought to get the ball rolling; I'm hoping you people will take it from here. I call it circling the drain And the circles get smaller and smaller and faster and faster, if you watch the sink empty Huish! And rights aren't rights if someone can take them away." George Carlin. That's what they told us they were, remember? I say, "Pick it up, asshole, you're lucky you found the fuckin' thing! Everyones at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family. Then he is the victim of an irony. ""This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. Remember that? ""Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. Every one, every one of those items is provably untrue at one level or another, But let's say it's true; let's say God gave us these rights. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. This is the best we can do folks. It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. What George Carlin Believed About Religion There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin, 43. To me, war is a lot of prick-waving! And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.". Millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to The God Question: "Do you believe in God?" Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! Some people don't want you to say this, some people don't want you to say that. 1. Organized religion and organized crime working together to help build a better America. Who said so? So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. The planet is fine. Nah. Only once have I lost my cool. Laugh until you gasp for breath. George Carlin, 3. We are on a nice downward glide. That empty shit they shuffle around and repackage every four years doesn't mean a thing. And just dumb enough to passively accept it., The government doesnt lie, it engages in disinformation., Im a loyal American and Im not happy unless I let the government and industry poison me a little bit every day., Government wants to control information and control language because thats the way you control thought, and basically thats the game theyre in., Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation., I believe the government should step in where the free market fails., Sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize: the government does not give a fuck about them., A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does.. 26. Let me get a sip of water hereyou figure this stuff is safe to drink? Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. The map is going to change and that's because -- people think nature is outside of them. Simple thing. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. They want obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. Let me get a sip of water hereyou figure this stuff is safe to drink? It's nice. Click here, sign up, and get your first ride with Uber for free. 11. I, George Carlin, being of sound mind, do not wish, upon my demise, to be buried or cremated. George Carlin > Quotes > Quotable Quote - Goodreads Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. The only story I know of where clouds are important was Noah's Ark! I dont understand why prostitution is illegal. We dont even know how to take care of ourselves; we havent learned how to care for one another. Thats what all that adolescent, macho, male posturing and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. "No." What's the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months? 51. Im not sure silencing people or forcing them to alter their speech is the best method for solving problems that go much deeper than speech. George Carlin, 62. The poor are there just to scare the shit out of the middle class. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. Not me. Everybody gets one swing. Happy was into grass and grass alone Happy, that's all he did. Religion has convinced people that theres an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration. Now, man"You up for the game?" You don't do all this moron stuff. 18. Who stole my collection of used bandages?! They own you. Not a word. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect. We haven't tried that for a while. Every single person, you can see the universe in their eyes if you're really looking. Am I right? Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion and the Catholics and the Christians are just tossing them aside. I think if white people are gonna burn down black churches, then black people ought to burn down the House of Blues! Next time you are at the computer, get on the Internet, go to Wikipedia. Let's kill a beautiful tree that's been alive for seventy-five years and bring it to New York City. No problem. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me. The best (and funniest) George Carlin Quotes on politics, life & death and of course the American government Everyone's at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. They're privileges. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Must be another one of those "miracles.". They wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. I love the freedoms we used to have. 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To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. Let's go for a drive OK? That's a good combination! But once youre born, youre on your own. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. Here's some bumper stickers I'd like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. I don't even bring them home anymore. My mind doesnt work that way, I got this real moron thing I do, its called thinking and Im not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions I have certain rules I live by. Like the public. I've also grown weary of reading about clouds in a book. Go look for consistency in religion. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. 'Cause chickens are decent people. Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet. Boy, these conservatives are really something, arent they? In the first place, white people got no business playing the blues ever at all under any circumstances ever, ever, ever! Americans love to eat. George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, singer, voice artist, and comedian, noted especially for his irreverent attitude and his observations on politics, language, psychology, and religion, as well as some taboo subjects. Put it in your pocket and go the fuck home, you're a winner! The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. Next fucking case! Are these people kidding? And nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. Looking for the best George Carlin quotes? But he does sell drugs to your honor student. I have certain rules I live by. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. George Carlin, 39. BAD WORDS." Two reasons: first of all, voting is meaningless; this country was bought and paid for a long time ago. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people. Nature is in here. So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. Manage Settings I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. During bombing raids in Iraq, the media liked to say that Saddam Hussein used people as, The fanatics have another name for fetuses. ""Deep Throat: Think about it. They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. As we saw from my piece on Louis C.K. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. Something lofty and poetic: "Nay Family Way"; something earthhy and crude: "Mom Bomb"; something for the youngsters, "Junior Miss"; here's a real man's product, "Inconceivable"!
